because it's beautiful like this
Saturday, December 13, 2008
For NaiWell i read the blog you gave me last night...it was hella long, at first I didn't think I could finish it all at once. But I changed my mind after reading a first few lines. It does not sound pathetic, it's honest and heartfelt. Trust me. Maybe you think it's so depressing to say or write down stuff like this because normally you're strong like nothing can attach you and bring you down at all; yet to me, this side of you is so nice and it needs to be shown.
The story about you and Brian is like...a movie. I don't know why but I just feel that. I really wanna cry right now after figuring out everything you've been through. Last time when you told me you wish you could have gotten rid of all those scars to love again I said something stupid like "don't worry and don't hesitate to love" because I didn't know such things. It was so scary you remembered what happened between you guys this correctly, like after all these years nothing have changed at all, and nothing as in your heart and your feelings. You know, some can recall how they met, how they fell in love but they don't keep in mind all the details about the clothes, the gestures, the voice, the exact words. It's love, I guess. Sometimes along the lines I feel like you're taking words out of my mouth too, I went through the same things, you know, but at a lower level. Like when you said how you guys accidentally touched and you squealed inside, how you were self-conscious when you were next to him and how happy and excited you got just because he was in the same room...and when he was there, beside you, things were like a dream.
It's kinda selfish and unreasonable to say this but I'm jealous of you, sister. Even though it seems to have hurt you so much, I want to be in this kind of relationship too. All the moments you guys shared were so precious, so beautiful, sad or happy, awkward or comfortable. I want to be like you; remember random things about him, go mad at yourself because you forget his middle name, smile for him, cry about him, and feel his love, which, sometimes is so real sometimes not. You take every single thing about him seriously and you appreciate it, that's why it's so hard to move on. Well, when you love someone so much, you become weak, then pathetic, then unable to let go. Because letting go of him is not just letting go of somebody, but denying all the person you have given everything too. It's like denying the love you tried your best to grow and protect, denying the past you cannot live without. If it were me, I'd not forget him either. Just look at the long post you wrote. It was a long time, a long progress of love. How could we ever agree to erase it all?
You loved Brian a lot didn't you? A person who made you go all emotional and week like that wasn't just someone you had a crush on. I think he loved you too, judging from the your conversations and the jealousy thing. But I have a feeling that he doesn't love you as much as you love him. You want to give him everything, but you're simply the girl he loves to be with, someone special but not like the first of everything. Maybe it's not true, but that's the impression I got. If only Brian had tried harder, things would have ended another way. Seems like you guys have held back a lot from each other. Because you got upset about the story your friend made up meant you didn't feel safe with Brian, same for him since he was jealous of a lot of guys. But, above all, your love was beautiful. You should be happy because not like everyone have this kind of thing to hold on and cherish, even though it didn't go real far.
I just hope that in the future whenever you think of him, you'll smile, not cry. Do you think he'll come back for you? I wish that would happen ^^ otherwise, the real prince would come and take you away hahaha. You know, I still believe in "the one" after finding out how painful your love is.
Don't forget Brian okay? But don't lock yourself in the past either. Someone's there waiting to meet you, whoever he is. My dongsaeng deserves the best<3
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